How not to get killed in Kansas City.

Don’t be white.

Or black.

Or brown.

Do not sit on your porch.

Do not visit a liquor store for a refreshing beverage.

Do not leave your home.

Do not go to work.

Do not get in your car.

Do not attempt a robbery.

Follow these helpful tips and you probably won’t be murdered, maybe.*

*Following these tips in no way guarantees your safety. It’s fucked up out there.

Leadership? Bullshit.

With the first presidential debate (and the opportunity to present a coherent vision for a post-Bush economy) two days away and with the possibility of rescheduling it on the day of the vice-presidential debate thus postponing that ass-whuppin’ in the making while giving that noted foreign policy & energy scholar Sarah Palin more time to cram for the Big Test, all of a sudden economic mastermind John McCain must return to Washington.

So…deny a problem exists, eventually acknowledge the problem while trying to pin the blame on your opponent, and six days after a bailout measure is proposed make a grandstanding gesture of ‘rushing back to Washington’ to ‘broker a solution’ when all polls indicate the majority of the American people seem to think you know as much about the economy as you do about, oh let’s say, being a faithful spouse. Why, that sounds like the distinguished senior Senator from Arizona to me.

On Tuesday the economy wasn’t important enough to cancel his running-mate’s photo-ops with various world leaders. Wasn’t a crisis on Sunday or Monday when campaigning in battleground states. Wasn’t a crisis this past Saturday when the Senator was attending a football game and class reunion.

Bullshit.

Since it’s obvious McCain can read and understand polls, maybe he’d like to have a gander at this one. The American people want the debates as scheduled but wouldn’t mind a refocus from foreign policy to the economy. Oh, wait. Maybe he has read it.

Some fun reading: a list of national and global events and crises for which previous debates weren‘t cancelled.

Thank god I never put anything aside.

Yeah, this sounds about right.

In fact, some of the most basic details, including the $700 billion figure Treasury would use to buy up bad debt, are fuzzy.

“It’s not based on any particular data point,” a Treasury spokeswoman told Forbes.com Tuesday. “We just wanted to choose a really large number.”

If we weren’t all at risk of waiting in a breadline and living in a van down by the river, that’d be pretty fucking funny.

Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

Seriously, I did not see this coming. Huh. You think you have a read on somebody and then totally out of left field…

I wish her all the best.

…wow.

For those of you keeping score at home.

Now I really want to have a beer with John McCain. There’s a pretty good chance we’d push a fly whip to the airport, catch the private plane to La Jolla and spend the day relaxing on piles of money around a swimming pool filled with beer. That’d be kinda awesome.

Look at Obama. One house? One car? Fucking loser. How can we expect someone who didn’t ditch his crippled first wife for a drug addict an heiress to possibly run the country, I ask you.

“The Swiss Family Robinson appear…and build things on him.”

My new favorite commercial.

Waiting for Tivo to buffer Heroes…

I have only the most basic understanding of economics, but I’m a registered legal expert in brutal stump-fuckings at both the state and federal level. And Mr. 19%’s bailout proposal has “ankle grabber” written all over it. Of concern, Section 8:

Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency.

One final hurrah for the Unitary Executive theory. Stop this “democratic republic,” I wanna get off.

Also…

• Hey! Rachel was dlisted’s Hot Slut of the Day!
• Neo-Hoovervilles on the rise. There’s really nothing funny about people living in tents by the track.
• The Emmy’s were pretty much a snoozer last night (except for Don Rickles, still brilliantly funny and a spritely 600ish; I wish I could find the video somewhere). Watch this recap if you missed it…and, y’know, care:

Lord, make a way.

• Bette Midler once joked, “No muff too tough! Ugly women have pussies, too.” The mayor of Mount Isa, Australia has taken this sentiment to heart, welcoming “ugly ducklings” to the sausage-fest over which he presides. Oddly, Australian women aren’t leaping at the opportunity.
• A KC city countil committee endorsed changes to the smoking ban today. Primary change? Restricting smoking in casinos to areas where only those 21 or older are allowed. Like bars. Where smoking is banned. Dumbfuckery.
• Lately it seems like you have a better chance of being a crime victim in Brookside than in some of the more unsavory areas of the city. Like the Plaza. Brookside Goodcents robbed at gunpoint. Resident walking dog robbed at gunpoint. Murder at 62nd & Troost.
• Dan Renzi’s still around? Awesome? I worked with Dan a number of years ago on the board of a local gay-type organization. Nice enough guy, though falling firmly in the high-maintenance quadrant of the gay color wheel. So I guess I’m like two degrees from that crazy guy who yelled “Hello…Bitch? Helloooo?” in the phone to that nutjob Flora on The Real World that one time. So that’s kinda cool, I guess.

Johnny’s angels.

Carly Fiorina is on restrictions after pulling a Biden on the television machine yesterday. When asked if she thought Sarah Palin would be capable of running a company like Hewlett-Packard, she replied with a succinct, “No, I don’t.” When asked to clarify her statement…well, this:

“I don’t think John McCain could run a major corporation”

If anyone knows corporate mismanagement, it’s Fiorina. It wasn’t so very long ago when security packed up The Lady’s desk, handed her a $21 million dollar severance package and escorted her ass to the front door of HP’s headquarters over her difference of opinion with the board on how best to execute the company’s business strategy (the board, presumably, wanted to do so in fashion that resulted in a profit).

DNC member Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild (both a PUMA and a cougar…rowrrr!), married to a Knight of the British Empire named Evelyn and with homes on two continents, took a break from feasting on the marrow bones of the poor to endorse John McCain today. Because Barack Obama’s an elitist. Uh, Mr. Dean, I think it might be time for a housecleaning. A bitch-slapping wouldn’t be totally amiss.

Will Witchfinder General be a Cabinet-level post under a McCain-Palin administration? All signs point to yes as a new Preacher Problem reared its head today. La Palin has credited “Bishop” Thomas Muthee’s laying on of hands as just the push her gubenatorial campaign needed on the road to Juneau. When not hard at work as a batshit-crazy spiritual leader and way-maker for the Lord, the good “Bishop” likes to spend his downtime inciting violence against women in his native Kenya. For causing causing car accidents. Through witchcraft. There’s fucked up and then there’s fucked up. Do all average hockey mom’s speak in tongues, get groped for Jeebus and hang out with nutjobs? But don’t take my word for it:

I grow more concerned…

Also, Palin’s “full cooperation” in the Troopergate probe transformed today into “fuck your subpoenas, fucker.” But since this story suffers from being a) not nearly as sensationalistic and awesome as the witchfinder, and 2) totally expected, it’s hardly worth mentioning at all.

Hump Gizzards Palin

If you sprang from the loins of La Palin, what would your name be?

Thanks to Chisel Dustup Palin for the tip.