Jeebus, use me.

Regular commentor Mo put a good morning’s work in earlier this week, photochopping in the faces of this blogger, Ladybird & Scoots. I leave you to draw your own conclusions as to which face goes with each name.

Meanwhile, here’s some more interesting blog chatter and links.

• Oh, hell no! Attention, homosexshals, all Al-Gayda sleeper cells are activated.
• Well, shit. Smokin Joe’s downtown is for sale. And also closed for multiple health code violations. What am I going to do without easy access to the Ribber? You may call spiderwebs and dead insects a “violation,” KCMO Health Department, but I call them local color. Also, improperly handled meat = tasty. Damn. The kids and I have been pondering entering the bar/restaurant bidness, but I think we’ll wait for the economic upswing.
• The latest ‘Congress sucks but my rep is aces’ poll is out.
• David Sedaris on undecided voters:

To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.

And here’s your daily dose of hate from a McCain/Palin rally. That hard-as-nails blonde’s children dancing around screeching “monkey president” are especially American, with values and such:

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

So, Crazy McCrazy here made up the story about being robbed, assaulted and horribly scarred by a giant black Obama supporter. Way to take the race-baiting up a notch.

It smelled so much from the start that even America’s favorite Republican anchor baby wasn’t buying it.

Local conservative bloggers were on this story like white on rice last night. One went so far as to declare this the first attack from some sort of socialist army or uprising or something. I’d link to it, but the post has since been edited. I’ve made inquiries but its one of those moderated commenty type things, and I’ll probably get bored and forget to check back and see if my comment was allowed and/or answered. The Kansas Citian went to his dark place with this:

The open-minded, liberal attacker assaulted the woman in Pittsburgh, PA where racist, rednecks still cling to their guns and religion.

But had the decency to update the post throughout the evolution of the story, finally ending with:

UPDATE: Confirmed hoax. Time to charge and prosecute her for filing a false report, fraud, and whatever else they can come up with.

Prosecute away, I suppose, but she’d probably benefit more from some time ‘away’ and a strictly monitored medication regimen.

Per John Moody at Fox news, this was the McCain campaigns death knell:

If the incident turns out to be a hoax, Senator McCain’s quest for the presidency is over, forever linked to race-baiting.

So, a silver lining to a sad pathetic story, I guess.

Lazy 8’s and hyper links.

• From some whackadoos via Deus Ex Malcontent, the Jeebus makes people crazy. And hilarious.

The occultists are “weaving lazy 8’s around McCain’s mind to make him look confused and like an idiot”. Bree K. said we need to break these curses off of him that are being sent from Kenya.

• TerranceDC breaks down the myth of the “real American” over at Pam’s House Blend. A taste:

What do we know about the “real America”? It’s the moral bedrock of the nation.

Despite evidence that, well, it’s not.

If blue states care less about moral values, why are divorce rates so low in the bluest of the blue states? It’s a question that intrigues conservatives, as much as it emboldens liberals.

As researchers have noted, the areas of the country where divorce rates are highest are also frequently the areas where many conservative Christians live.

• Iran failed Friday to register what it said would be the world’s largest sandwich in the Guinness book of World Records after people rushed forward and began eating it — before it was measured.

• Nick Sloan has compiled an awesome list of things the city could do with the 800 million dollars we’re told we have to spend on light rail.

• We love you Rachel! Your gratuitous Maddow.

• The latest from Passionately Credulous Bigots for McCain:

JOCO mall employee stays KKKlassy.

From KMBC via TKC, a customer of Journeys at Oak Park Mall, while returning a pair of shoes, encountered one of the specialties of suburban dwellers: virulent racism.

KMBC’s Marcus Moore reported that Keith Slater, 22, bought a pair of shoes from a store called Journeys. Slater later returned them after finding a cheaper pair at another store. Slater did get his money back, but it was what was printed on the receipt that he and his family found disturbing.

…

The receipt, which shows “Cust: Dumb” and then the n-word, is what Slater received after returning a pair of shoes to Journeys at Oak Park Mall.

How could that have possibly made it on the receipt?

Hoping to get answers about how the words got on the receipt, the Slaters returned to the store the next day. But they said they never got a full explanation, only that the employee entered a generic code.

“And it pulled up six or seven different choices, and the choice that she (the employee) chose was the very last choice,” said Slater’s father, Keith.

After a few texts between Scoots and I extensive investigative work, AKCB was able to acquire a list of the other 6 options included in Journeys register returns application.

1. Uppity bitch
2. Some fag
3. Dirty kike
4. Greasy spic
5. Your mom
6. Joe the plumber

As this post went to press a statement was finally issued by Journeys parent company, Genesco:

“While we are continuing to investigate this incident, it now appears that an employee in one of our stores entered highly inappropriate statements in a form used to process a merchandise return. Needless to say, such an act was not authorized by Journeys, and will not be tolerated. This employee has been terminated.

“At Journeys, we pride ourselves on valuing and respecting every customer. We are shocked and sickened that a former associate could be responsible for an act so out of keeping with our culture and our values. We profoundly regret this incident.”

Thank goodness. It was an Isolated Incident.

Top 10 KC foods to eat before you die.

Got this idea from Fat City, where several other local bloggers have picked up on it. The stuff I chose may not be the best example of that particular food the city has to offer, though in most cases I think it is. I chose these for the experience they offer and how I feel when I’m eating them. Numbers 1 & 2 are, for all intents and purposes, a tossup. Number 3 was almost number 1. Number 7 is debatable, but speaks to my own KC experience. Here you go.

10. Festival food KC-style. I love festival food. I love corndogs and cotton candy and sno-cones and funnel cakes. But my true love is for festivals where food’s the star. The Kosher Fest is a must-go. It has my highest recommendation. The Greek Fest? Eh, unless you skip directly to the dessert selection and then it’s in the running. I love these, because even if its not iconic Kansas City food, its Kansas Citians cooking for Kansas Citians the things they love and want to share. And that’s pretty darn cool in my book.

9.  The reuben at Browne’s Deli. I’m not Irish nor do I have any particular affinity for Irish shim-sham. In fact, I find Irish pride kinda funny. I think the St. Pat’s day parade is a joke. This reuben is not. I don’t think I’ve ever had more tender corned beef. A half reuben and a bowl of soup is my new winter lunch staple. Browne’s has been in business since 1887, so they’re probably doing something right.

8.  Stroud’s chicken fried chicken with all the fixin’s. For a long time, I resisted going to Strouds because how can anything be worth an hour+ wait. I don’t generally approve of establishments that don’t take reservations. I get it now. Yes, the chicken’s fantastic. I chose the chicken fried chicken because I’m a big fan of anything served on a platter and covers that platter. When I die, I want to be smothered in country gravy. People drive for hours to eat here.

7.  Prime Cut pizza, original crust at Minsky’s. Kansas City isn’t known for its pizza. For that you go to Chicago or New York. I prefer Chicago-style. But I’ll be damned if Kansas City doesn’t sport an A+ pizza place in Minsky’s at 51st & Main. Of all the Minsky’s locations I’ve tried, this is the best. As a midwestern farm kid, I’m a big fan of eating things that used to have faces. When I discovered the Prime Cut, it felt like coming home. Not only is it chock full of every meat you hope to find on a pizza (and not a sardine in sight), there’s a slice of bacon on every goddamned piece. Thick crust or thin crust? Meet in the middle and go with the original.

6.  The all-meat pork burrito spread at Los Corrals. Sure authentic Mexican is fantastic. And there are some excellent authentic places in town. But this is the Heartland. We like our Mexican food with lots of red sauce and cheese. And if you drop it in the frier before you smother it in sauce and cheese, who’s going to mind? The burrito doesn’t get dropped in the frier, but its none the worse for it. I love it. And I love the Quality Hill locale. It’s a winner.

5.  Murray’s ice cream. I hate waiting in line for anything. I wait in line for Murray’s. The flavors are ever-changing, but you can get on a call-list for your favorite. At our house, it’s Strawberry Fromage and Grandma Spruzzi’s.

4.  Lamar’s Donuts german chocolate knot. I used to have them more frequently than I do now. I had one just a few weeks ago. They are still the best thing Lamar’s sells.

3.  The Manhattan at the Golden Ox Lounge. How can a cocktail be a meal? Serving it in a snifter the size of an infant’s head is a good start. Honestly, the food at the GO is nothing to write home about, though they do have a perfectly adequate happy hour menu to help soak up the booze. I’ve even made better Manhattans at home. How could it possibly make it to number three on the list? The Ox, to me, is quintessential Kansas City, from its location in the Bottoms to its perfectly dated interior to bartenders who treat you like an old friend even if they’ve never seen you before. The lounge is one of my favorite places in this city. I never feel more connected to this city than when I’m knocking back my second cocktail with Scoots and Ladybird while straining to overhear locals discuss politics over a couple of beers or staring at the photo of the smoking cow corpses from the 1917 stockyard fire that hangs over the urinal (if I had a bigger purse, I’d totally steal that and give it pride of place in my living room).

2.  LC’s BBQ beef sandwich and fries. It’s a hole in the wall and, to my mouth, the most sublime barbecue in the city. Everybody wants to go to Bryant’s(famous but inconsistent) or Gates(consistently mediocre) when they come to KC, but this is the place I take out-of-town guests when they say they want the best the city has to offer. I love pretty much everything on the menu, but beef brisket is where LC’s excels. It’s tenderness and flavor is unsurpassed. But frankly, if LC’s stopped smoking tomorrow and sold only their sublime french fries and that divine sauce, I’d do my damndest to keep them in business.

1.  Go-Chicken-Go’s livers and gizzards. It was a tough choice between this and LC’s for the top slot. I give the edge to GCG because a) while no one denies it is the first food that comes to mind when you say “Kansas City,” barbecue is incredibly subjective and everybody has their favorites, defended with no quarter given; 2) I’ve simply never had fried chicken organ meat anywhere else that can compare with these; and d) they’re closer to my house. Absolutely perfect in every way (I’ve never asked how they get the gizzards so tender; I think it might be some sort of pressure cooking prior to frying?), they are served with one of the finest hot sauces, G-Sauce, I’ve ever tasted. Get a mixed half-order, and extra sauce and a small potato salad. It’s my guiltiest of pleasures.

‘Twould appear the bloom’s off the rose.

Boo, baby, boo. Sad for the kids, but when you drag your urchins into the political arena, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Links are on me.

Alright. This has been a shit day. About an hour into The Work this morning, I realized I was wearing two different shoes, one brown and the other black. This is what I get when I dress in a dark bedroom and pay more attention to rubbing hound tummies and snoze-kisses than to preparing myself for the outside world. There was a good deal of technical shim-sham today and it took more prodding than I really wanted to deliver to get folks motivated to figure it out. When we got home we found Beebs had scattered dirty laundry all over the house and had an accident. In our bed. Three accidents, by the look of things. Thank Jeebus it didn’t soak through the comforter (now at the cleaners). She’s been going out quite a bit tonight and I think she has a bladder infection. It’s off to the vet tomorrow. There was one small glimmer of awesomeness though…

Finally, David Embury’s The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks has been reprinted at a reasonable price-point. This book is kinda the holy grail to cocktail fiends and even tattered copies go for $100+ on ebay. I’ve been bidding on copies for over a year now but had yet to acquire one. Then I saw this little item today on The Spirit World blog. I ordered a copy immediately. If you’re interested, it’s $10 cheaper here than on Amazon.

And here’s some local shiz that cycled through Google Reader today while I was waiting for callbacks.

• No one I know has any money (I took a look at my 401k today and my balls drew up inside my stomach cavity, but since I’ve got 20+ years until retirement, I’m not all that concerned), but maybe there’s still enough liquidity in OP to support a store selling $60 t-shirts. I’ve never been to a Von Maur, and after a peek at their website I think its a trend I’ll continue.
• There was a time when the prospect of KC bars closing before 3am would have filled me with a sense of righteous indignation. As i grow older, I’m of the mind that the fewer drunk d-bags on the streets, the better. You’re never too young to start learning the pleasures of drinking alone at home. And though I grew weary a number of years ago of everything served in a cocktail glass being labeled a martini, here’s a fantastic autumn recipe to get you started: the Pumpkin Pie Martini.
• I think Sara at Noodletown is the local blogger I’d most like to meet. Oh the things we’d eat together! If anybody has an invite to this party and needs a dashing dandy to escort them, but is willing to settle for me, leave a comment.

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’.

So, tonight Union Hill and Longfellow finally had a rolling gun battle to call our own. No more do we have look longingly at the gunplay in Brookside and think “If only we had more street violence and gangbanger’s with grudges rolling through our ‘hood, maybe our home prices would skyrocket too!” No more will we have to turn our eyes west and wonder “How can we entice small business owners to our neighborhoods without late-night shootings, stabbings and muggings that seem to come so easily to Westport and the Broadway corridor?”

Police indicate the RGB started on Harrison, and if I were a betting bitch I’d put my five-spot on it originating from the vicinity of the Narcissist, but time will undoubtedly tell. Or maybe not. This will probably disappear from the radar tomorrow when violence breaks out in another random location in the city.

Y’know, Jan Marcason stopped by our neighborhood meeting the other night to pimp light rail. I’m generally a fan of Jan’s (excellent work sending Gloria home, btw) and of mass transit (in theory; in practice I’m not so much a fan of crazy homeless men rubbing one out while sitting next to me), but maybe the council (it’ll have to be them because the mayor is absolutely fucking useless) could set aside some time in their busy schedule trolling for a 3/8 cent sales taxes for dodgy transit plans and see if they can scratch up some scratch to PUT SOME MORE FUCKING POLICE ON THE STREET AND GET THIS SHIT UNDER CONTROL.

Meanwhile, let the good times roll.

You can never have enough hats, gloves and links.

• An American version of AbFab? This has ‘bloody, buggery cockup of monumental proportions’ written all over it, sweetie. Darling. Sweetiedarling.
• Racist hatemongers heart Governor Palin, like, big-time. *wink*
• God loves atheists: this recent post from Hip Suburban White Guy had me giggling for days.
• I missed the Kansas Citian’s liveblogging of the debate tonight and the associated chat hosted by The D Rules. I guess everyone who’s anyone in the KC blogosphere was there. I sincerely applaud him for the liveblogging effort. I’m way too scattershot to ever attempt anything which would require me to concentrate on the same thing for more than 60 seconds.
• This would be funnier if it didn’t so closely resemble my family reunion. Except these folks seem more sober.

With a month to go, chafing could be a concern.

From Rich Lowry at the NRO:

A very wise TV executive once told me that the key to TV is projecting through the screen. It’s one of the keys to the success of, say, a Bill O’Reilly, who comes through the screen and grabs you by the throat. Palin too projects through the screen like crazy. I’m sure I’m not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, “Hey, I think she just winked at me.” And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America. This is a quality that can’t be learned; it’s either something you have or you don’t, and man, she’s got it.

Ahhh…yeah. Somebody get that guy a towel.

If you’d like to send Mr. Lowry a box of tissues or an industrial-sized bottle of personal lubricant, here’s the addy:

National Review
215 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York 10016