Kansas City, opinion, cocktails, snark.

March 6, 2009

A short list of Missouri Republicans who can suck my dick.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — akcb @ 4:31 am

throat

The following may kneel at my feet and fellate at their earliest opportunity for making MY state look like the posterchild for petty, childish, lowlife dickthumpers. Tuesday evenings are best, but I can pencil you in on Wednesday mornings before 10 if I absolutely must because I like a late start on hump-day.

  • Robert Cooper (Clinton)
  • Dan Brown (Rolla)
  • Rick Stream (Kirkwood)
  • Jason Brown (Platte City)
  • Mike Lair (Chillicothe)
  • Shane Schoeller (Willard)
  • Dwight Scharnhorst (Manchester)
  • Barney Joe Fisher (Richards)
  • Michael McGhee (Odessa)
  • Walt Bivins (St. Louis)
  • Doug Funderburk (St. Peters)
  • Brian Nieves (Union…take your time)
  • Doug Ervin (Kearney)
  • Bob Nance (Excelsior Springs)
  • Don Wells (Cabool…wtf?)
  • Cynthia Davis (O’Fallon…and please, honey, keep the teeth to a minimum)

Why am I less-than-eagerly awaiting head from the fuckwits? Because this. Full joint resolution here.

3. The right to have only qualified candidates placed on the ballot. The secretary of state shall determine that each person is qualified for the office he or she seeks, according to the law, before placing his or her name on the ballot. For candidates who are required by the Constitution of the United States to be natural born citizens, the secretary of state shall request an official copy of the candidate’s birth certificate. Other certifications, such as a certificate of live birth, shall not be accepted. Should any candidate fail to provide an official birth certificate within thirty days of the request by the secretary of state, his or her name shall not be placed on the ballot. The secretary of state shall verify the qualifications of any elected officeholder who was previously placed on a Missouri ballot. Should any elected officeholder fail to provide the required documentation or birth certificate within thirty days of the request by the secretary of state, the secretary of state shall turn the matter over to the attorney general who shall within twenty days file suit to obtain the required documentation.

Translation: “That colored motherf*cker ain’t our preznit no matter what Hawaii (at this point I would normally provide a link discrediting the ‘he’s not a citizen’ brigate, but seriously those folks are as fucked up as the 9/11 truthers and there ain’t no talkin’ them out of it so why waste the linkage effort?) says, or the electoral college or 53% of not-the-real Americans say and furthermore he can suck it cuz we are going back in time for realz.”

Also, witness this fuckery.

5. The provisions of this section shall be self-enforcing. All of the provisions of this section are severable. If any of the provisions of this section is found by a court of competent jurisdiction to be unconstitutional or unconstitutionally enacted, the remaining provisions of this section shall be and remain valid.

Pretty standard; it means “we know 9/10ths of this isn’t gonna fly unless we get a favorable jurisdiction, but we’re gonna shit in our hands and throw it at the wall and see what sticks.”

Now, a good number of these douche nozzles are from South Missouri, so I feel for them. Seriously they don’t know any better and its only a matter of time before they find a good home in Oklahoma and Kansas where we like to export our crazies. But its fascinating how many are from the KC & St. Louis exurbs. Well, not really I guess. I mean frankly thank god Odessa, Kearny, St. Peters and O’Fallon are there so I don’t have to deal with these asshats day-in, day-out.

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10 Comments »

  1. good shit. Here i was thinking the local right-wing douches were all clustered in Kansas. I’ve never heard of the majority of these places like they’ve never seen minorities or a dentist. Good riddance.

    Comment by F — March 6, 2009 @ 8:46 am

  2. I think we shouls find their phone numbers and post them so people can call and give them an earful.

    Comment by Lucius Fieldon — March 6, 2009 @ 10:41 am

  3. I think we should find their phone numbers and post them so people can call and give them an earful.

    Comment by Lucius Fieldon — March 6, 2009 @ 10:41 am

  4. This needs to become a Facebook group so I may join.

    Comment by Mark — March 6, 2009 @ 2:00 pm

  5. Here’s the link for all of their phone numbers.

    http://www.house.mo.gov/member.aspx

    Comment by Ladybird — March 6, 2009 @ 3:51 pm

  6. First, thanks for the helpful anatomical diagram!

    Next, help a sistah out:

    …the secretary of state shall request an official copy of the candidate’s birth certificate. Other certifications, such as a certificate of live birth, shall not be accepted.

    What the eff is the difference between these documents? I though it was just a difference in terms for the same thing.

    Comment by Sarah — March 7, 2009 @ 11:36 am

  7. I just still can’t wrap my mind around the high levels of, as you so appropriately termed it, douchebaggery, from purportedly responsible people who have actually attended college and then found a bunch of people to put them in an elected office.

    I mean, it’s not like it’s Fred and Shirley Phelps, it’s people who are supposedly rational.

    Ah, the racism has such a rancid smell today. And every day.

    Love your headline. Reminds me of something I would write.

    Comment by Joe Bua — March 15, 2009 @ 4:33 pm

  8. what is loans? 🙂

    Comment by dollar — May 8, 2009 @ 7:25 pm

  9. HA, HA, HA, YOU GUYS ARE SUCH FUCKING MORONS!!!!!!

    THOSE LAWS HAVE BEEN IN EXISTENCE FOR A HUNDRED YEARS!!!! AND EVERY STATE IN THE U.S. AND THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HAVE THE SAME LAWS!!!! THE POLITICIANS YOU MENTIONED HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH MAKING THOSE LAWS!!!! THOSE LAWS WERE DRAFTED AND VOTED INTO EXISTENCE BY BOTH REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS LONG, LONG BEFORE EVEN OBAMALAMADINGDONG’S GRANDPARENTS WERE EVEN BORN!!!!!

    GOD YOU GUYS ARE SUCH IGNORANT, UNEDUCATED PUKES!!!!!!

    HOW PATHETIC YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!

    Comment by UPTRENDER — November 3, 2009 @ 8:04 am

  10. Actually, Uptrender, the States have their own laws governing what is acceptable for State Representation. Can you spell, “Schwarzenegger?”
    The fact that Missouri is just now getting around to birth certificates (vs. hospital certificates – this paperwork difference has to do with how old you are because the state didn’t always keep track of who was born on the farm), just means that they are now more teck savvy than they were. It doesn’t mean anything, much like 95% of all the legislation that has happened since the Republicans took control of the house about four elections ago.
    By the way, a college education is NOT a requirement of running for office as you should have guessed. I have it on good authority that MOST of the State Reps did NOT go to college – not one semester. So that should be good news for those of you who are reading this blog.
    By the way, Cynthia Davis needs to suck everyone just for being on the planet.

    Comment by shallowmar — July 26, 2010 @ 3:17 pm


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