Original cocktail time!

Probably. I mean it’s so simple, surely somebody’s come up with it before, but here’s the deal. Y’all know my friend the crusty bastard, right? Well the bastard and our mutual friend LAB are quite enamored of a highball they call the Pirate Mo. It’s a long drink consisting of coconut rum (but not the one you’re thinking of), Diet Coke and the juice from half a small lime. Good, but not mind-blowingly so. This evening I took it upon myself to find a slightly more complex yet still delicious cocktail that features their coconut rum of choice, Lady Bligh (a dear $13 or so per liter). I’ve come up with the working title of…

Sunshine on My Shoulders

• 1.5oz Lady Bligh (or Malibu, if you’re feeling flush) coconut rum
• .75oz Strega liqueur
• .5oz lemon juice

Shake with ice and strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with mint or a lemon peel.

I shall try this with lime juice after my next trip to the grocery store, but as it stands, it’s a pretty decent little cocktail. Do with it what you will. I recommend making it in quantity for your next wilding!

And I would like to thank you, Dixie Carter…

…on behalf of ALL sitcom lovers in the world for your portrayal of Julia Sugarbaker.

Dead at 70.

John Aravosis will blow your fucking head off.

John Aravosis of AmericaBlog, one of my daily reads, has apparently completely lost her fucking mind.

Last night, in regards to the “Pardon me, sir. Quatar light?” incident, he posted this:

They should have shot him on the spot. What the hell is an Arab diplomat doing making jokes about blowing up US planes?

Today, he carried on carrying on.

Reckless judgments? The ass tried to light up a cigarette on an airplane. Something that has been illegal since the early 90s, going on twenty years. Has he been living under a rock? And he lit it up in an aircraft bathroom, which is a fire hazard – airplane bathrooms are full of paper in a confined area.

…

No threatening activity? An Arab lighting a fire on an airplane. I’m not saying it SHOULD mater(sic) that he’s Arab, I’m saying it DOES matter in terms of only making things worse. Absolutely tone deaf.

And this evening, he reiterated his earlier point:

Qatari diplomat who tried to smoke a cig in airplane bathroom, then joked about lighting his shoe on fire, was en-route to visit Al Qaeda inmate. All one big coincidence, I’m sure, but Qatar had better fix this now. (And I’m sorry, but you try to smoke on a plane, you deserve to be shot by the air marshal, as far as I’m concerned.

Seriously? Because of a nicotine fit? The guaranteed arrest, probable fine and possible jail-time (provided, of course, you’re not covered with some sweet-ass diplomatic immunity) aren’t punishment enough?

Now, I know the guy has asthma. Anybody who’s read a handful of his posts knows he has asthma because he’s real chatty-cathy about it. Like allergies, I don’t believe in asthma and automatically assume people who claim they have asthma are faking attacks for attention. Therefore, I’m calling for the execution sans trial of those with “asthma attacks” by federal agents on account of I find it annoying.  I mean sure, you could use your inhaler, but how do I know that’s not some weaponized aerosol super-Muslim toxin designed to kill everyone around you? I don’t, therefore you should be able to hold that until the end of the flight and do it outside the airport, fifty feet away from the exit. Or die!

Also, crying babies, people with MBAs who sit next to me and want to use my tray table to hold a stack of work documents while sighing loudly over there laptops, old ladies who want to talk about how “that colored man is destroying the country” and anyone who doesn’t keep the window-shade drawn. Shoot them too.

Or, maybe we could both have a fucking sense of perspective. After all, people did smoke on flights for a goodly number of years and to my knowledge none of them dropped out of the sky due to an errant butt. Now it’s against the law, so don’t smoke on planes y’all, but if you succumb you shouldn’t have to be guaranteed a SHOT IN THE FACE.

Also we could request Qatar send fewer arrogant numb-nuts assholes over here on diplomatic bidness.

O glorious day!

Well, June 6 anyway. Received a call from my good friend the Crusty Bastard this evening. Guess what’s making its triumphant return to the list of Kansas City’s summer food festivals? KOSHERFEST! This is one of my favorite food experiences in KC and I missed it terribly last year. If you’ve yet to experience it, mark your calendars. You won’t be disappointed. The macaroons! The blintzes! The kugel, oh the kugel…

Maybe, just maybe…

Newark, NJ just had its first calendar month without a murder since 1966. Pretty impressive for a city once dubbed the “Most Dangerous City in America” by Time Magazine. Perhaps our good mayor, instead of, y’know, hosing pigeon shit off bridges, could dash up there and see what they’re doing about this whole “violent crime” thing.

Do NOT come between a lady and her payday.

This lucky charmer issued a beat down in the middle of a Chicago(home of Mimi Plastique!) public aid office. And then began to vogue. Seriously.

Maybe when he collects his check, he can road-trip down Georgia way and sort out this poor kid‘s POS parents.

Some gentle words on DADT and the pols supporting it.

Miss Florida  2007-2011, Charlie Crist, opposes the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell because

“We are a nation at war. The governor believes the current policy has worked, and there is no need to make changes.”

Oh yes, bitch, it’s an absolute model policy that forces those who wish to defend the Consitution to lie and conceal in order to do so and kicks out people we actually need in the endless War on Tara (oh, except one of the kids in the linked tale of woe was “allowed” to stay in Iraq until the end of his tour before being discharged because a fag in the sand is worth two Freepers in the basement).

Charlie Crist married in 1979 for less than a year. And married again in 2008 when she thought it might help her get the VP nomination on the Republican ticket. She also loves the cock. Allegedly, FWIW.

Fuck her. And if John McCain wasn’t already sucking it, he can resume doing so now ( and by “it” I mean Lindsey Graham).

Only 32 days until Gay Christmas (based on the novel Push by Sapphire)!

Oscar nominations are in. My predictions follow.

Best Supporting Actress
Penelope Cruz, Nine
Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air
Maggie Gyllenhaal, Crazy Heart
Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air
Mo’nique, Precious

Skinny bitches are evil. Congratulations, Mo’nique.

Best Supporting Actor
Matt Damon, Invictus
Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
Christopher Plummer, The Last Station
Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

As go the Globes, so goes Oscar? Maybe. Chrisoph Waltz.

Best Actress
Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Helen Mirren, The Last Station
Carey Mulligan, An Education
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious
Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

My heart says Meryl, but I’m pretty sure its Sandy B. in a walk. For a shitty movie.

Best Actor
Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
George Clooney, Up in the Air
Colin Firth, A Single Man
Morgan Freeman, Invictus
Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Jeff Bridges, done and done.

Best Director
James Cameron, Avatar
Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds
Lee Daniels, Precious
Jason Reitman, Up in the Air

I’m calling a split Director/Picture this year. Katherine Bigelow gives the finger to her ex and walks home with a small golden man.

Original Screenplay
Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker
Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds
Alessandro Camon & Oren Moverman, The Messenger
Joel & Ethan Coen, A Serious Man
Pete Docter, Bob Peterson, & Thomas McCarthy, Up

It’s been a couple of years since the Coen brothers took home awards for Directing and Picture for No Country for Old Men. And the Academy loves them some Coen.

Adapted Screenplay
Neil Blomkamp & Terri Tatchell, District 9
Nick Hornby, An Education
Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Ianucci, & Tony Roche, In the Loop
Geoffrey Fletcher, Precious
Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner, Up in the Air

I’m pulling for District 9.

Foreign Language Film
Ajami (Israel)
El secreto de sus ojos (Argentina)
The Milk of Sorrow (Peru)
Un Prophete (France)
The White Ribbon (Germany)

Seriously, who cares? I’ll go with the Krauts.

Animated Film
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess and the Frog
The Secret of Kells
Up

Up, up and away.

Best Picture
Avatar
The Blind Side
District 9
An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Precious
A Serious Man
Up
Up in the Air

Duh. Congratulations, Avatar.

Happy 84th birthday, Elaine Stritch!

You may know her as Jack Donaghy’s mother on 30 Rock, but before that she was the toast of Broadway (and one of our more famous high-functioning alcoholics), famous for originating the role of Joanne in Company. Well into her 70s in the video below, she can still sell a song.

I wantsssssss it.

As expected, the Apple iPad was announced today. When the iPod arrived on the scene, my curiousity was piqued, but I waited a couple of years before buying one and when I did, it was cheaper, smaller and as awesome as I anticipated. After buying it, I regretted waiting so long; most days it’s the only thing standing between my sanity and murdering every single person in my office.

Then the iPhone came out and it looked awesome, but I had a free Blackberry and a ridiculously cheap service plan subsidized by The Work. I still find it to be a pretty impressive device but have no real desire to own one. And being locked into AT&T’s service makes my balls shrink up into my chest cavity.

But the iPad? I crave and want and need. Web browsing, email, books, games, watching my stories? All without a 250-degree laptop melting my sack to my thigh? And all those fun little apps iPhone users are always so desperate to show me? Ah, sweet mystery of life, have I found you at last.

I’m sorely tempted to slap down $829 for the top-of-the-line model, first day out. Well, second day. Because I’ve seen the folks that show up for releases at the Apple store, and they’re not my folks. Maybe 60 days out, I’ll have a bit of perspective and decide to wait until the price comes down. But Apple groped my inner fanboy today. Jobs, well done.

OH, and another thing. I’m officially banning the iPad/maxi-pad meme; 98% of blogs covered this In The First Five Minutes, it was never even mildly amusing and now let’s put it to bed.

ALSO, Steve Jobs, if you can afford the liver of a 12-year old Indonesian, you can afford to shop at a non-mom-jeans store. Look into this. Maybe develop an iPant to take us boldy in 2011.